My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
