Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
