I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
My cat gives me a boner
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
