i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
it's like heaven, but drunker
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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