i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
