I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
