Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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