remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
