don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
