i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
