She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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