he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Alive.
So much puke
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
