I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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