On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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