dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
