so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
