apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
