So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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