i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize