I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
