I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
