she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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