I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
