I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
