honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
