We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Green mimosas i think yes
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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