I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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