I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
