just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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