two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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