I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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