You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have tasted many bathrooms
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