I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
