remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
