I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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