im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
