All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize