That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
