Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
