Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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