i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
