My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
