Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
