my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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