you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
