Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
