I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
