I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just threw up on my dentist
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize