No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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