The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
