The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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