I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize