dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
