Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My bed smells like the plague
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
