How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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