happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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