I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Found the puke drawer
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Randomize
