He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
