Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
