I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
