just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
