I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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