come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
accomplished twins. life is a go
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
