last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
