Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
