I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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