I am in a vortex of obligation.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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