Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just had sex on a roof
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
