Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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