he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
