The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize