I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
